February in Japan. Osaka train station and a rushed afternoon, packed messy bags leaving their traces around us and a group of students are waiting for the train to pass.
“Where do you want to live when you grow up?” one of my teachers asked me.
“I don’t know. Either in New York or London.”
“Those are all big cities”, she replied.
After this the conversation ended, with nothing left to be said, asked or remarked. In my mind it did not stop thought, and my thoughts did not stop wandering and thinking of where, and why, I want to live in the future. Some of it became carefully scribbled down in my diaries, titled “Osaka” and “Where do you want to live when you grow up?”, and yet I found it hard to put my thoughts into words and exact cities or streets. Who could blame me though? I would live happily ever after if the seventeen year old me now would decide upon a collage to go to.
However, my conclusion is that I desperately need neon lights in the rain to survive, a new set of people every night on the subway rides home, and street crossings where you do not risk running into somebody you know. To not fall apart and malfunction I need to be able to get my morning coffee on the same block as I live, to be minimized by tall buildings and lost in a absolute concrete jungle.
Why? Thought I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out this desperate need of becoming unrecognized and lost amongst the masses cannot seem to figure out why. I do not have a clue to why my heart beats along with the rhythms of city people walking down 5th Ave or making their christmas shopping on Regent Street. May I risk saying anything I might still be under the spell of all those movies and series, and still desperately wishing for a boy to say something like “meet me halfway on the Brooklyn Bridge”, or allowing myself to become Bridget Jones in a red telephone box for a brief minute now and then. Maybe this is all wrong, maybe I am under the influence of weird anecdotes from my mom “I found out that I was waiting you only during my trip in London, so you kind of are a little Briton” or stories about 80’s New York and subway rides. All I know is I enjoy every single moment of being lost in the warmth of a big city pulse.
If I ever get lost do not bother sending rescue forces into a big forest, because if you know me then you should know exactly where to find me. This heart of mine is simply beating along with a bigger crowd of people out there; lost in the city to never be found again.